a jumble of thoughts

...I've written three blogs today... I keep deleting and rewriting.. deleting and rewriting.. a part of me doesn't want to blog this weekend. There is just too many thoughts running through my mind, to many emotions, to many fears.

A part of me wants to wait till next week to blog to you all but to be honest I need and love your support. The fact that I know people read this blog makes my life and I feel that I owe it to you to keep you updated and informed.. even if that is very difficult this week.

So here are my deep thoughts for the week (just one topic of a hundred!)

This week went by a lot faster than last. There was also a lot less tears. I'm starting to get into the hang of things... if that is even possible at this point. School is going well, although I feel like I'm not doing enough. The children are wonderful and my heart is already getting attached... even leaving them this weekend was very difficult. 

I'm trying to figure out what I'm doing here. Why did I really leave my comforts for a year? Why am I not starting my second year of university? I keep asking myself these questions never being satisfied with the answers that I come up with. 

I am in South Africa- a developed country.. there is still so much poverty here, so much hurt and pain but isn't there poverty everywhere in every country? I am starting to realize that my being here is so much more than a one sentence answer I can give myself. God has been working on my heart more than I can ever put into words on a blog and He keeps telling me to "be still and know that He is God." I am trying to be still. I am trying to find my purpose here in South Africa.

I sometimes feel so small in such a big world. I am working at a school with kids but I know hundreds of people are dying from HIV and children are starving. On Friday I found out about a brothel that houses young girls for prostitutes. My heart just breaks over and over again. I am letting these stories hit me hard. I am letting each story and each struggle sit deep into my soul asking the Lord what He wants to teach me and how He wants to use me. 

Each morning I do administration work at the school. Sometimes this past week there hasn't been much administration to do at all and I find myself sitting doing nothing. I feel insignificant in a country where there are lots of problems. But doesn't every country have its problems? Why am I here?

Yesterday I attended a peace conference. It was interesting to here some older ladies talk about peace and what it meant to them. It was a very educational day listening to their stories, hearing people's heart. My mind shifted to being thankful. I am thankful that God has called me to be here. I am thankful to hear people's stories. I am learning that God wants to use his people no matter if the country is "developed" or "developing." I have things to learn even while photocopying Grade Two papers. Even though these questions will continue to cross my mind daily, yesterday I was reminded that I have a job here. 

This probably doesn't make much sense.. but I don't feel like deleting it again and starting over. I'll try to upload some pictures before I go back to the boarding house tomorrow night. And I'm working on a video with the children to show you!! I am very excited about this and excited that you get to meet the children soon. 

O and a fun thing to talk about! Jared and I went to McDonald's on Thursday! What a wonderful craving to have! It was a super successful trip:) I needed something familiar in my life and what better thing to chose than McDonald's. Also Jared and I went for a walk downtown and I got to see more of my city. I am so blessed to have Jared with me because I wouldn't be able to take these trips downtown because of safety concerns. It is great to be in a new country learning new things each and every day. 

I hope to figure it out more in the future.. I hope to settle down in the next few weeks and start being a part of something, start feeling useful. For now I'll continue to observe and take in. I will continue to learn in this country. 

Tomorrow will be exactly a month since leaving home. I can't believe a month has already passed. Can you??

Much much love.. sorry for my crazy blog post tonight:) I guess thats just who I am- crazy!

1 comment:

  1. Madelaine,
    Thank you for your update. You have been on my heart and in my prayers this past week and I was excited to see your update. Your Mom and I are representing the dutch culture tomorrow at church with our ethnic foods that we prepared today:
    *Boerenkool Stamppot (hers)
    *Nasi Goreng (mine)
    Should be an interesting event of monumental proportions:)
    Love what you shared here:
    "My mind shifted to being thankful. I am thankful that God has called me to be here. I am thankful to hear people's stories. I am learning that God wants to use his people no matter if the country is "developed" or "developing."
    What an awesome learning curve opportunity for you.
    More importantly, what an awesome God we serve who has directed you on this path of discovering...
    He is so faithful and that is so evident in your post!
    Joanne from church


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