A season is over

Every day I sit down to blog, open up a "new post" and stare at the screen. I get frustrated within the first paragraph, end up deleting it and moving onto the next task. This has happened every day for the past eight days. I don't know how to express my emotions. I don't know how to describe what I am feeling.

I just didn't know it would hurt this bad.

Last week Monday, God showed up huge. He spoke specific truths over my life, things that I was meant to accomplish in South Africa, my reason for coming. It was so clear and spoke so strongly to my Spirit that it was more clear than someone speaking out loud to me. I have clung to these promises, these truths the Spirit has spoken to me these past few weeks. The bible talks about a peace that we can have that goes beyond human understanding... I have to tell you that I have that. It is so amazing. I just know that God has overcome the world, He has my life in his hands and He is bigger than my emotions, bigger than the problems I am leaving behind.

What I didn't understand right away is that even though I have this peace, it is still going to hurt... and right now, it hurts a lot. Too much to type out my emotions on a blog. Even journalling down my thoughts makes me feel like I just ran a marathon. Emotionally I am exhausted.

Good byes have been said and tears have been shed hour after hour after hour. I have felt so close to God throughout this past week but my heart is broken. Shattered really.

My last night to tuck the girls into bed, I broke down that I couldn't even do bible study or our goodnight prayers. After the lights were shut off and I slid to the floor outside their bedrooms asking God to give me wisdom- He knows what to do. In my exhaustion and tears and I heard one of my girls sobbing in her bed. So I picked myself up out of the hallway opened the door careful not to wake the other girls that were sleeping already and crawled into bed with her. We laid there crying, knowing each others thoughts without ever speaking a word. I will never forget that memory.

That's the thing. I have so many memories; precious moments with each child. The boarding house is so full with life, so full of laughter and many many tears. I can't bare to think that as I type this I am "moved out". Gone. Just like that it feels like. Did a year go by this fast?

I walked into the girls room last night just looking around at the empty beds, thanking God that He gave me the opportunity to serve. Thanking Him for using such a selfish, messed up woman to bring so much glory to His name. I really am so humbled by this year and by the amazing things God does each and every day.

Saying good bye to eighteen children has been tough. With everything that has happened to my boys my heart has just become so full of love them for each one of them. I really do love these children all the same. In tears one of the girls asked "why it hurt so much?" I told her it was amazing. It hurts so much because we loved so deeply. That is a good thing. If I wasn't hurting, if my heart didn't feel an emptiness that I can't describe than I'm not sure this year would have been worth it.
I have loved with a love that can only come from knowing Jesus is in love with me, and I have been loved by these children with that same love. My heart is so happy and full when I think of the way I have been loved this year. I really am the luckiest young woman ever.

If you've read this far, thanks for getting through my jumble of thoughts, I'm sure clarity of what I'm feeling will come with time.  I now have a month of transition. A month to figure out the lesson's I've learnt, reflect and rest in what God has done and what He still wants to do.
I don't come home for over a month so I am excited to take this time building relationships with my host parents and church friends. I have been doing some weddings this past year with Faye and she has "hired" me to work on wedding stuff for the next two weeks while I am still in Pietermaritzburg. I have moved into my host family's house with all my bags.

My life at the boarding house has ended. A season is over. & I am praising Jesus for all He is done and let me see, feel and experience. I will never forget these children.. ever.

Have a wonderful weekend! I am off visiting a lion farm this weekend to hang out with baby lions:) Something to get my mind off of the children and hopefully the tears will stop flowing... at least for the weekend.

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