13 days in the hospital. As I am typing this to you I
am sitting in the hospital watching Aphiwe play with my ipod. It’s Friday and I
have no memory of what I did this week or last week to be honest. I’ve been
trying to balance taking care of an 8 year old girl in the hospital to loving
and nurturing the other seventeen children that anticipate my arrival at any
time. They send their love with me every time I tell them “Auntie Maddie is
going to sleep at the hospital tonight,” but I know that it is hard for
them.
I am leaving, sooner than both of
us realize and yet I have spent these past two weeks away from them, every day
and every other night. My heart doesn’t
know exactly what to do or how to feel and honestly, a part of me has remained
numb throughout this whole experience. I hear more details about what really
happened but I constantly just don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to
think about the fact that she almost died, spent two days in ICU and now may
have scars on her face for the rest of her life. I just can’t dwell on that
fact for more than a few moments. And as I’m typing this to you from her bedside
I remind myself that this may be the last day I ever get to see her. She was
supposed to be discharged today (Friday) but the doctor is worried about
infection and she will remain in hospital until Monday. I am heading away to
Ixcopo this weekend for church with my host parents. She will be discharged to
her granny and I’m not sure where she lives or when I will have the chance to
say goodbye… if at all…
Goodbyes…sigh… 14 more days with the kids. I have been
receiving emails about “goodbyes”- how to properly say goodbye, writing lists
of people who I will miss, visits and things that still need to be done etc. I
also have an inbox full of emails encouraging me to start to adjust to the
process of returning home and what that will mean. Most of the emails start off
by saying “expect what you found to familiar to be different and take time to
process.” Articles of people giving good advice about home however I just can’t
get through them. Not yet.
Denial? I think I am playing that card to be honest. I
know I need to mentally start preparing for “home” but… I want to be here. My
heart is here and I call the boarding house my home. I want to see that Aphiwe
becomes better. For the next few weeks she will need to go back to the hospital
to get her dressing changed and looked at… shouldn’t I be allowed to see her to
a full recovery? What about all the work that needs to be done regarding crèche
teachers? And my computer classes – I want so desperately to see a generation
of literature adults when it comes to computers. I want to continue to wear
whatever I want and not worry about fashion. I enjoy having no internet in the
nights and a slow paced environment. I
love learning how to be content and blessed with the things I have. I don’t
want to say goodbye to the Indian ocean or the prison walls in which I work.
I don’t want to say goodbye.
July is a travel month. I say goodbye to the children
on the 21st and finish work on the 29th. I fly out of South Africa on the 18th
and fly to America for re-entry and fly to Canada on the 24th.
From now until July 24th there is a lot that
still needs to be done… in my heart, attitudes and faith.
Thank you for your support, encouraging words and
prayers. You’ve seen me through this entire year (almost J )
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