6.12.2012

A willing heart.

I was chatting with a friend the other day when He asked me "what is the biggest lesson you've learnt so far?" I immediately was overwhelmed because how do I sum up 10 months of lessons? I think a major theme has been my weakness and Christ's strength, (how many times have I blogged about this issue?:) )

Long after the conversation ended my thoughts continued on what I've learnt. With two blankets on my lap, Ugg boots on and my fingers curled around my hot cup of tea (it's freezing here lately) I took a few hours to re-think this year.

If you had asked me to spend a year in Africa knowing what I've been through to this point there is no way I would have stepped onto that plane. Sickness, hospital visits, watching injustice happen every day and being able to do nothing but watch. Service work is messy. Let me say that again just in case I ever forget these feelings that I've been feeling- service work is a messy.

However, it is so worth it. In my hours of reflection, I re read some of my journals. I laugh at the entries in September of the things that were "hard" and now I've adapted into a normal lifestyle. I noted how many lessons I really have learnt. Reading the funny lines my kids have said and tearing up when I read the times they told me their backgrounds and crushed dreams. So much has changed from August. One surprising thing that I never noticed until this weekend that my prayer has stayed the same.

Through all the chaos and trials I've gone through, from all the joys and times I've laughed until my sides hurt one thing has remained a constant (didn't know that was possible!)

In most journal entries my prayer has been "Lord, use me where you see fit, let me have a willing heart to do your will."

As I'm in my last month of service in Pietermaritzburg, I think this has been fulfilled. I'm learning that's all God wants. I didn't come here to "save the world." I didn't come to "save these children" or "bring these people out of poverty." God told me to go to South Africa and I went, not knowing where that would lead...I think God has used me where He sees fit... not always my first choice but I believe it's been God's plan all along. As I go through  A LOT of drama this month I've realized that God has me here for a very specific purpose, a purpose I am only discovering now. (after 10 months)

I know I've complicated the bible way too often. But right now I believe it all comes down to having a willing heart. A heart and life that doesn't belong to me, but to Christ. And an attitude that allows Him to do whatever He wants with my life, having enough faith to know He will take care of me no matter what.

Okay that is what I'm learning now!:)
xx

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