O how the title of this blog makes me feel so ashamed and free all at the same time: perspective

God has been diligently teaching me about this word for over a month but I've continued to push His guidance aside day after day with the phrase "Lord, I'm too busy!"

School has been tough for me this semester (to say the least). In lectures I often daydream about my kids and constantly pray for them, wishing so badly I could just get one more hug from them, one more goodnight kiss. When I do something fun, the first thought the comes to mind is "i wish my kids were here... they would SO love this activity." I've wrestled with feeling guilty for the things I have, rather than appreciating them and being thankful for them. I become very bitter quickly when I see the selfish hearts of so many, but mostly my own. I often ask myself at the end of a long day- did I really go serve in Africa for a year? - Because I sure am not acting any different then when I left.
Through all these thoughts I am reminded to study, pay attention, write papers and have a social life. I'm a perfectionist so I often study hours on end but I wrestle with feeling useful. I am struggling with God's purpose for my life right now. It doesn't feel that He is using me or that I am growing deeper. I guess you could say this is my desert season.

I know God hasn't left me, and I know His plans for my life are beyond anything I can imagine. I still hangout with Him daily and sing worship songs driving to school on the top of my lungs. I'm so in love with Jesus, but I think as a Christian its good to be honest, it's good to share our struggles. I'm trying to learn how to do this better.

Now how does perspective link to all of this? In all my stress of school, feeling useless and pushing God away, this last month He has been trying to show me eternal perspective. He often speaks so firmly when He tells me "school doesn't define you- I do." I believe that, but I am not acting like it. Reading my bible is less important than reading my textbook (the way I act) and my prayer time is cut back to "God you will understand, I have this paper to write! You want me to do well don't you?"

I suppose this morning I am finally at my low, realizing I am exhausted and proclaiming once again, that I suck at living life on my own strength. The best part about being a child in Christ is that He longs to take care of me. He longs to wrap me up in His arms and define me. Speak life in and around me. It isn't a chore for Christ to do, its his longing, his desire. That is hard to comprehend that the maker of the universe who knows my every thought, longs to take care of a stubborn and selfish young woman, even when I've pushed Him away time and time again this month.

Even though I have 2 midterms and a assignment on Monday-Tuesday morning (and I work today and tomorrow) I am trying to develop eternal perspective. I want to see what Jesus sees. He knows the outcome of my life, and I'm pretty sure when I get to heaven He's not going to ask, "so what did you get on your SOC midterm in November of 2012?" If I seek an eternal perspective and realize I am here today, gone tomorrow and rest in who God calls me to be, I know I would be filled with joy and peace that comes from Him alone.

What's refreshing about being a child of Christ is that nothing in this world defines who you are, who you have been or what you are to become. Christ has died so that we may be His and His alone. The world can't offer us anything.

I'm resting in these verses this weekend and I pray that if your stressed out as well you will make a conscious effort to let God define you and not your schoolwork or the rest of the world.

Psalm 105: 4-5
Seek the LORD and His strength; Seek His face continually, Remember His wonders which He has done. 

Isaiah 40:30-31
Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary. 

Ecclesiastes 3:11
He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end. 

James 4:14
Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow, You are just a vapour that appears for a litle while and then vanishes away.

Hebrews 13:8
Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.


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