3.06.2013

4am

I always find writing helps me process my thoughts so I can get back asleep.. this is what I wrote at 4am this morning in its raw unedited form

I wonder what Jesus would have felt when He came to earth so many years ago. Perfect God coming to an earth so filthy and full of sin. I know that He came to redeem the lost and that He came to heal this broken world but on nights like tonight I wanna know His intimate thoughts and feelings. How much did His heart ache when He saw families separate or when He saw parents beating their children? Did He ever cry after spending time with the prostitutes knowing He is the only one that can love them with true love? Did He have restless nights of sleep where He just prayed for this world that He loves so much? Was Jesus thoughts and emotions any different from where He sat in heaven before coming down to earth? If Jesus was fully God and fully man I wonder about His thoughts when He saw so many of His children throwing away their lives for pointless things that won't have meaning tomorrow.  Is that what drove Him in the way that He preached and lived- seeing all of this in human form? Seeing guys get drunk and sleep around- Lord what was your heart feeling? Anything like mine is tonight?

As I move along in my spiritual journey my sleepless nights have only increased. As I pray constantly that I would have a heart like Christ my heart has broken to an entire new level of hurt and pain. I want to shake so many people - in a loving way- but I feel they are sleeping- walking dead- living this life ... for what?? Nothing but themselves. Where does that get them and why aren't I doing more? The reason I found "Christianity" was I knew there had to be more. There had to be a purpose for my life.. there just had to be more, I was desperate for more. I found all I need and so much at the foot of cross, running towards Jesus and figuring out what it means to live life for Him and Him alone. But without Jesus Christ my life is worthless- I will die (we all will) and rot in the ground my entire life. That really gives me a lot to live for if I don't have Christ.

I see a bunch of worthless lives just desperate to become worth something and be filled with purpose. I want to wake them up, tell them their is life far greater than this world...there really is something to live for and someone who loves you. I want to scream that to the world... is that what you've ever felt Lord?

I get so upset when I hang out with your children that you created who are just looking to be loved. I know I have the answer to life- through you and I get so upset not knowing how to be enough of a light in this broken world. Is that why you hung out with the losers of society because you knew that they didn't feel loved? You knew they were searching for more than anyone else to find you- to find life.

O Lord, I pray for this entire world and the people you've laid on my heart tonight. Thank you for giving me a glimpse of your pain for this world that you created and love. I pray that these sleepless night would turn into a wake up call for myself that the broken need to hear of your love- and we are all so broken. Thank you for loving me through my filth and sin. Thank you for calling our names personally and seeking after our hearts. God I pray you would continue to give me your eyes- I want to see what you see and love how you love. 

I'm feeling physically sick to my stomach tonight about the people who don't know you and I can't help but wonder how you feel?

Jesus, teach me how to love this world like you do.

Love your messed up daughter that you continue to use.


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