6.10.2013

Part 1- Kaitlin on "His faithfulness in my uncertainty"



I want to be real about not having it all together.

It’s hard for me to admit a lot of the time, but it’s true, I often feel like I am stumbling through life unsure of my next step and trying to do what is “best”.

I fail a lot. I find forgiving myself difficult at times and taking the next step of faith isconstantly a struggle.

On a hot morning in March 2010, I set out on a little walk at the base of the Drakensberg Mountains in rural South Africa. I had just finished a 3-day hike with a group of friends. We each set out to spend some time with the Lord to reflect upon our journey thus far. Feeling tired, I headed for the creek. I love water and nature and I love how God speaks to me through its symbolism and seems to revive my spirit that way.

I had decided to go away from home after graduating high school to get some perspective, to see the world, allow my views to be challenged and see issues in the world “with skin on”.  I had full intensions of returning home and choosing a prestigious university to attend and get a degree to make my parents happy. Now that the program was drawing to a close I had this uneasy feeling that God had different plans. I told God he could send me anywhere he wanted to. In my mind I thought that would probably mean somewhere in Africa. I could see God telling me to live in some remote village with no running water and a woven matt for a bed. But knowing me, he thought that would be too easy.  I really hate cold weather and the Lord decided that I should go to the coldest place on earth.

To an inner city community in Winnipeg where drug deals happen in the church parking lot and girls are forced into prostitution at an average age of 12. This is a place within Canada with the resemblance of third world conditions.  

I was afraid

afraid of not knowing exactly what it would be like, afraid of what my parents and friends would think, afraid of not knowing how I would afford it, afraid of all the unknowns.

I began jumping from rock to rock up the stream speaking my thoughts. I felt the sun on my back and turned around expecting to see an amazing view of the valley, instead there was a huge rock blocking my view.

“I want to see the view Lord.”

“Climb onto the rock.”

As I walked around either side I quickly realized that thick brush stood between me and the way up. I stood there contemplating – there could be any number of poisonous snakes in that brush and with no one around, it could be game over for me pretty quickly if I met one.I heard the Lord speak gently to my spirit.

“Trust me”

Why is God always right?? He says one thing and it makes me realize how stupid my fears are and yet they still linger there, ready to consume me at any time it seems.

Hesitantly I walked through the brush, praying and holding my breath as I made my way up onto the rock. Let me tell you, that view was worth it, the most breathtaking view I have every seen! The entire African valley bathed in morning sunlight, it was difficult to take it all in… And as I sat in awe, the lesson became clear.

“You will never get to experience the view unless you trust me and go through the unknowns first.”

This became a theme for me over the next few years as I lived in Winnipeg and later returned home. It seems like every new unknown circumstance God seems to push my faith a little further. Each time I feel like I just can’t hold on anymore and want to make an easy decision to easy the discomfort of not knowing how my life will unfold.

Last spring, with one week of school left and no summer plans I struggled to know what I was supposed to do. For the past month I had felt that I was not supposed to apply for a summer job. This decision seemed ridiculously foolish to me and even more so to my parents.  My faith was majorly stretched, as 2 amazing volunteer opportunities and a job literally fell in my lap in the last week of school.

Again this past winter as I planned to complete my co-op job in Barrie, I had no place to live until a week before the job started.

Each time I feel like the decision the Lord wants me to make is contrary to common sense and logical thought and each time he comes through more than I could have ever expected. That brings me to my current state. I was supposed to be returning to classes this summer and though I have known this for over a year, I have never felt peace about it. He directed me again to make a decision contrary to what seemed “right” and definitely not the path of least resistance. I have since switched out of my courses (and I will now be taking others in the fall) and began volunteering, in good faith that God would provide for my financial needs for school.

Again he has shown me that his ways are way higher than my ways, using me in places I could not have imagined and providing for me not only financially, but spiritually and emotionally as well.

Unknowns seem to follow me everywhere. Each new season brings me to the edge of a time constraint, each time pushing the boundary just a little bit further.

Through it all I have learned that I no longer have to try to make the “best” decisionbut instead need to listen to the Lord.

Each time He has taught me to trust him: his heart, his timing and trust that his plan is not only good, but it is the best thing for me. 

Love a sister in the faith,

Kaitlin


Check back later today for Part 2:)

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