4.20.2015

Female Porn


i am writing about this because i believe it is important to talk about and i've struggled with it so much. this post is my personal journey and has no correlation to my job or the church where i work. last, my sweet, incredible, handsome husband has read this blog post and supports and encourages me to publish it. obviously when i share my personal story online to everyone it directly affects him. so know he is super supportive of this!

when i use the word porn in this post, i am not meaning it in the term most people use it as; using sexual subject matter for the purpose of sexual arousal.

i know females struggle with porn. maybe not as much as males do, because they are stimulated differently but watching porn is a female issue too. i know so many young girls and women who are addicted to porn. heck, i even had a boyfriend in high school who told me we should watch porn together to make our relationship stronger. he encouraged me to watch it so i tried it, hoping it would help. yes, it is an issue for women too, but thats not what i'm blogging about today.

one of the things watching porn does is that it creates unrealistic expectations. porn portrays things that are not real and makes the viewer believe it is normal and real. it fuels a false reality.

but is porn the only thing that creates unrealistic expectations in relationships?

i believe that males are more stimulated by viewing things than us females and i believe that females are stimulated more by words and emotions [this isn't a be all end all statement, but it has been so true in my life].

i think us females need to be careful what unrealistic expectations we are putting on relationships. maybe we aren't addicted to porn in the normal use of the word, but are we addicted to our romance novels or bachelor shows which paint a false expectation of how our future husbands should act, treat us and preform?


in middle school and high school i loved watching gossip girl and bachelor/bachelorette. i read all of nicholas sparks novels and watched so many romantic comedies. not fully knowing it, i was addicted to the idea that my future husband would serve all my needs in the way it happens in the movies. i believed that it was me who needed to be happy, even if that meant cheating on my boyfriend/husband because it happened in the movies and they lived happily ever after right? doesn't the bachelor kiss twenty girls at once and tell them he loves them? doesn't he take them on the most expensive romantic dates and flies her around the world. this is not real life. this is female porn. unrealistic expecations.


when mark and i first start dating when i was in grade ten, i had no idea how to live out a Christ centred relationship. i adore my parents and saw the way they loved and treated each other, and there were other Godly couples i could look up to, but the majority of the time my mind was filled with tv shows, novels, movies and cosmopolitan magazine which all my girlfriends read. it taught me how to play hard to get, to take a guy on an emotional roller coaster and so many detrimental things. i truly thought guys wanted me to flirt with other guys to make them jealous and want me more. it sounds stupid typing it now but thats what i watched every monday night.


lets just clear the air and say that watching a tv show or reading a romance novel isn't a sin. i am not saying that. but i am saying be careful what you are filling your mind with. the bible is pretty clear on this. "finally brethren, whatever is true, what is honourable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things" - philippians 4:8. i was dwelling on other things giving me a false expectation and ultimately making me addicted to this type of false "love."



maybe this is too bold to say… but mark is not an attractive husband in the worlds definition of what a relationship should be. one [of the many] reasons i broke up with mark so much is he wasn't filling my need or definition of what i thought a relationship should be like. shouldn't it be like a taylor swift song?
thats the way i loved you song by taylor swift

 why wasn't this happening with mark? 

so i got bored of mark. he wanted trust, communication, honesty and for me to constantly be growing and maturing in my faith. i had read and watched too much female porn and i wanted him to bring me flowers each week and not make me change [cuz obviously that is wrong right? ahha].i wanted a worldly relationship with little commitment and lots of fun!! fun at a cost.

so i searched for it in others and trust me i found it. that roller coaster rush [in the t.swift song] that mark didn't give me…. yeah it left me empty and broken. everything that is not of Christ leaves us empty and broken. you were created by a perfect God who loves you and wants to fill you with His love. anything but His love will leave you empty. 


this is my personal journey i've been on. i cut out the female porn in my life and started reading my bible to get Godly expectations of what relationships should be. i am proud to say i haven't even picked up a cosmo magazine since first year of university. its not worth it to me because it can be so addicting. 

ladies, when your eyes our fixed on the world, Godly men won't be that attractive. they won't want to go to parties with you and fill your every need. but when your eyes are fixed on Christ, those God-fearing men will be the hottest things around. i realized that i don't want fake fun and i don't want mark to fill my needs, i want God too. & Godly men point you towards God- they push you to never stop growing in your faith, and you can do the same for them! its the best thing ever.

are you addicted to porn? 

i sure was and honestly can still struggle with unrealistic expectations of what a relationship should look like because we live in this world.

i see so many beautiful stunning ladies [Christian ladies] addicted to this kind of porn of having such unfair, unrealistic expectations on their boyfriends/husbands and it breaks me.

ladies, lets strive to love and treat our boyfriends/future boyfriends/husbands like Christ. we expect our boyfriends/husbands to not watch porn and get false ideas of how we should look, dress and act when it comes to sex - lets be fair back to them when it comes to our relationship.

thanks for reading this massive blog post. its been on my heart for such a long time.

if you need prayer ever or just want to continue this conversation please contact me. i'd love that.

if you are struggling with porn [either definition] and are ashamed of it, don't be- i've been there [on both definitions of the word] and would love to talk to you about it. lets get our sin out in the open, repent and move on from it (work towards it- i know its a struggle). we've got kingdom work to do! there is no need to live in shame. Christ died for our porn addictions so that we can be free.

heres my email: madeline_hockley@hotmail.com


thanks for reading.
xo
mads









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