Do you love me more?

One of my favourite things to do pre baby was worship in my home. I blast the worship music as loud as possible [so I can't hear myself sing because my voice is so awful] and worship the Lord without anyone watching me. These worship sessions are such rewarding times connecting with the Lord, giving Him praise and not having an agenda of things He needs to do or fix in my life.

Since Jackson has been born those worship times have decreased but in the past month I've gotten in a few. Last week as I was rocking him to sleep with the worship music on, I got thinking about how much I love my son and therefore how much more God must love me. I've thought about this a lot but I felt like the Holy Spirit was asking me "do you love me more than Jackson?"

Can I be honest and say that I hesitated and mulled it over... I really really really love my son. When I became pregnant the love I had for my baby was instant and it grew so much over the course of nine months and then getting to meet him, ugh... I love my son so much! There isn't a lot I wouldn't do for Jackson. But can I honestly say with all this love for him that I love the Lord more?

I started thinking about Abraham and Isaac and what the Lord asked Abraham to do. If you haven't read the story you should. It's found in Genesis chapter 22. Basically God tested Abraham to see if Abraham loved God more than his son Isaac (Chapter 22 vs 1). In the previous chapter God had promised Abraham that "through Isaac your descendants shall be named" yet in the next chapter God was asking Abraham to sacrifice his son. That is beyond tough. The passage goes on to say how they walked over three days (vs 4) to where Abraham was suppose to sacrifice his son. Oh my word. Putting myself in Abraham shoes... what would I say to Jackson as we walked for days knowing what I was asked to do? My heart aches just typing it out. Yet, Abraham obeyed. Despite all the doubt, ache and horror Abraham must have felt he obeyed God. He loved God more and in the end, right when Abraham was going to take his knife and kill his son the angel of the Lord appeared saying "do not stretch out your hand against the lad, and do nothing to him; for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me." (vs 12) Then if you continue reading God blesses Abraham even more for not withholding his son (vs 15-18). You should really just read Genesis 22 to get the full effect of what the scriptures are saying.

I know that God isn't asking me to literally sacrifice Jackson on an altar, but I am so challenged to think if I could actually do it. If God asked me too, would I be willing? Gulp.

I am called to love God above all else. To serve Him first. To love him more than anything on this earth - including my husband and son. I am crazy in love with the Lord, absolutely no doubt in my mind so I think I love God more than Jackson but I know that this will be a constant thought in my mind as Jackson grows up and if the Lord adds any other children to my family.

Jackson will be watching me and I so long to be a good example to him. I want him to look at my lifestyle and know that I love God more than I love him. I want him to know that he needs to love God more than he loves me. I need to set that example but I sure know it will be hard and he is only a month old. It is so easy to look around and see parents idolizing their kids instead of loving God more. Kids are brilliant and I know if I tell Jackson I love God and then don't live like that and show him that, that he will pick up on my hypocrisy. I don't want my kids to become idols in my life. I want to submit them to the Lord and trust that He knows best and will take care of them, even if that looks different from my earthly plan down here.

I continue to pray for my baby every day and continue to submit him to the Lord. But goodness, at six weeks that is hard already!! Parents, please give me your tips on how you are doing this! Would love to hear your thoughts.



Dear Jackson // One Month

Dear Jackson,

First off, we've made it a month. We did it! It really does feel like we've had you forever. Maybe it is because I am so sleep deprived but I can't imagine life without you. I'm not sure what I did without you or how I had so much free time. You really have made my life so much better and I am so thankful for you.

My favourite part right now with you is that you can follow people now. Not more than a meter it seems but when I talk to you, you not only know my voice but can now lock eyes with me. It is just the best seeing you light up and smile when you can see me and hear me! I'm sure I'm a bit blurry still and the colour isn't all that clear but it has been the most fun walking back and forth and watching your head turn and follow me. Sometimes I do wish you could interact with me more - your Dad and I can't wait till you can give us kisses back but I don't want to wish any stage away and I am trying to cherish each day I have with you at each stage.


With growing up you are also staying awake more. You now stay up approx 3-5 hours a day in which you are fully awake and active. Most of this time is me singing to you (sorry about that!) and playing games (which you know nothing about yet) but I am having a blast getting more hours of play time with you.

We call you a "sucky baby" because you still love to be held. I am trying to learn your cries and totally have down pat what a hungry cry vs a needy cry is. Sometimes you just want to be held and snuggled. You will be fussy when we put you in the swing but as soon as someone picks you up you instantly are happy and stop being fussy. It is adorable how you just want some loving but also doesn't make it practical when we need to go to the bathroom or make food.

Jackson, you are growing up so fast and it is amazing to think how much you've changed since you were born. You weigh 9 pounds 12 ounces at one month. We are thrilled with your progress and love you so much. You even attended your first wedding a day before you hit one month and were the best baby ever!

Dad and I can't get enough of you Jackson. We are praying that you learn to love the Lord and choose to live a life following after Him. He is the only thing that truly matters. I am also praying that from the moment you can understand things that you see a genuine, real, raw faith in me and your Dad. I know that it is never too early to start praying for this.

We love you,
Happy 1 Month!!!



Dear Jackson // Week Three

Dear Jackson,

This past week you have grown so much. For one, your face is totally filled out and you have rolls. I love a chunky baby and am thrilled by the rolls you are slowly getting! We have stopped wearing newborn clothes and moved into the 0-3 months category. I tried to keep a few of your newborn sleepers out but they actually don't fit. That makes it seem so real. This week when we went to the doctors you weighed 9 pounds 3 ounces. So yes, this confirms all your growth and we are so thankful you are a growing healthy baby boy.

I know you still can't see super far and we are blurry but you can now follow sound and people walking. When we were at your Grammie's and Papa's house you totally followed Papa as he walked past you. These small things are so exciting and I love celebrating them with you. I love kissing your feet and watching you experience this world.

Currently you are going through the "3 week growth spurt" in which all you want to do is eat and sleep for no more than an hour at a time. This has been interesting as I was celebrating how you went 3 hours between a feeding and now Mom is getting no more than 45 minutes at a time. This is exhausting! It is crazy to think that I haven't slept for more than three hours at a time in three weeks. I also haven't done dishes in three weeks. Mom is exhausted and this growth spurt is making me feel like a zombie. Two nights ago you weren't sleeping and being a bit fussy and I had to tell myself to keep my eyes open so I could stay awake and rock you. I felt awful and just so gross but I whispered to you "you are so worth this" and I mean that with every fibre in my body. You, Jackson are the best thing. Life with you is the best. Even though I have had no time to myself and no sleep you are so incredible and I am so loving being your mom.

I am also pretty emotional this past week. I've shed quite a few tears this week at the overwhelming thought of being your Momma. But from all my thoughts I came to this conclusion: I feel like I have found such purpose and my calling again. I have always wanted to be a Mom but this, this feeling and this life with you, it has fulfilled so much inside of me. This is my dream job. I just want to raise babies and adopt 100 kids it feels like. Being your Mom feels so right and I am so thankful you have given me this incredible privilege of being your Mom.

Through all these thoughts I remember being back in South Africa and feeling that same purpose. I moved in with 18 children and was told to mentor and mother them. I was nineteen years old and had zero idea how to mother 18 children whose culture or language I didn't even understand. But that year changed me forever for the better. It humbled me and I had to daily deal with all my selfishness as I learnt [messed up daily] to love these kiddos like Jesus loves them. Every morning I woke up at 5am and I thought to myself "I have purpose. My purpose is to love on these precious children and show them God's love." I knew then in South Africa that I wanted to be a mom but I didn't remember that feeling until this past week. I miss my kiddos in South Africa and my heart just aches to a whole new level over all the babies in the world who aren't loved on and cared for.

I have just been praying for all those babies in Elmira, in South Africa and around the world who aren't loved and snuggled and cuddled. It honestly makes me cry because all you need is love. You don't need all these books and "how to's" and proper sleep cycles, you just need to be loved. I am so honoured to love you, like I was honoured and privileged to love my children in South Africa for eleven months. Thank you for letting me feel this incredible calling again to mother and to such a deeper level. I am such a blessed woman. Being a parent is the greatest and I love you loads, even if that means I don't shower, or do the dishes right now or sleep... I am so OK trying to figure this all out with you!

Happy three weeks my baby boy!

Love your Momma

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