Do you love me more?

One of my favourite things to do pre baby was worship in my home. I blast the worship music as loud as possible [so I can't hear myself sing because my voice is so awful] and worship the Lord without anyone watching me. These worship sessions are such rewarding times connecting with the Lord, giving Him praise and not having an agenda of things He needs to do or fix in my life.

Since Jackson has been born those worship times have decreased but in the past month I've gotten in a few. Last week as I was rocking him to sleep with the worship music on, I got thinking about how much I love my son and therefore how much more God must love me. I've thought about this a lot but I felt like the Holy Spirit was asking me "do you love me more than Jackson?"

Can I be honest and say that I hesitated and mulled it over... I really really really love my son. When I became pregnant the love I had for my baby was instant and it grew so much over the course of nine months and then getting to meet him, ugh... I love my son so much! There isn't a lot I wouldn't do for Jackson. But can I honestly say with all this love for him that I love the Lord more?

I started thinking about Abraham and Isaac and what the Lord asked Abraham to do. If you haven't read the story you should. It's found in Genesis chapter 22. Basically God tested Abraham to see if Abraham loved God more than his son Isaac (Chapter 22 vs 1). In the previous chapter God had promised Abraham that "through Isaac your descendants shall be named" yet in the next chapter God was asking Abraham to sacrifice his son. That is beyond tough. The passage goes on to say how they walked over three days (vs 4) to where Abraham was suppose to sacrifice his son. Oh my word. Putting myself in Abraham shoes... what would I say to Jackson as we walked for days knowing what I was asked to do? My heart aches just typing it out. Yet, Abraham obeyed. Despite all the doubt, ache and horror Abraham must have felt he obeyed God. He loved God more and in the end, right when Abraham was going to take his knife and kill his son the angel of the Lord appeared saying "do not stretch out your hand against the lad, and do nothing to him; for now I know that you fear God, since you have not withheld your son, your only son, from Me." (vs 12) Then if you continue reading God blesses Abraham even more for not withholding his son (vs 15-18). You should really just read Genesis 22 to get the full effect of what the scriptures are saying.

I know that God isn't asking me to literally sacrifice Jackson on an altar, but I am so challenged to think if I could actually do it. If God asked me too, would I be willing? Gulp.

I am called to love God above all else. To serve Him first. To love him more than anything on this earth - including my husband and son. I am crazy in love with the Lord, absolutely no doubt in my mind so I think I love God more than Jackson but I know that this will be a constant thought in my mind as Jackson grows up and if the Lord adds any other children to my family.

Jackson will be watching me and I so long to be a good example to him. I want him to look at my lifestyle and know that I love God more than I love him. I want him to know that he needs to love God more than he loves me. I need to set that example but I sure know it will be hard and he is only a month old. It is so easy to look around and see parents idolizing their kids instead of loving God more. Kids are brilliant and I know if I tell Jackson I love God and then don't live like that and show him that, that he will pick up on my hypocrisy. I don't want my kids to become idols in my life. I want to submit them to the Lord and trust that He knows best and will take care of them, even if that looks different from my earthly plan down here.

I continue to pray for my baby every day and continue to submit him to the Lord. But goodness, at six weeks that is hard already!! Parents, please give me your tips on how you are doing this! Would love to hear your thoughts.


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